Thoughts & Feelings

My brother Dixon painted this beautiful picture for me.

How are you? It seems like such a loaded question these days. Before Nov 19 I'd just throw a good or great out there and get onto more "important" parts of the conversation. Now I actually have to pause and think. Pretty good? Good Considering? Ok? Horrible?...and now it really just depends. I think I'm handling things pretty well...but then my child just died, shouldn't I be handling things worse? He is my son after all. I don't want people to have to conversationally tiptoe around me. I like, no love, talking about my kids. Even the one I only got five short days with. The only problem is I do hate crying in front of people, but I'm slowly learning that doesn't matter anymore.

I think I'm doing well. I have days where I can think of my baby Dane and feel happiness and go about the day. There are days I would just like to lay in bed, think of him, and cry. I'm realizing that there are things in life worth crying about...and often.

Right now its the little random things that are hard. Seeing others with their babies or pregnant women hasn't been hard. Going past the maternity department at the store really hurt. Three weeks earlier I would have stopped there just to see if there was anything that would make my growing belly look cute.
Opening the fridge to find my glucose drink for my gestational diabetes test at my next doctors visit was very hard. I hate that test, have complained about it often and now I wonder if I had even made it that much longer, maybe things would have turned out different. But those are the thoughts that get me in trouble, that hurt. What if I'd gotten the surgery doctors are recommending now, even though they weren't before. What if I had stayed by Dane's side and talked to him his whole short life. I remember reading that babies that young recognize their mothers voice, but can that stop bleeding in the brain? Did we make the right choice in letting him go peacefully? I have to stop these guilt ridden thoughts and remember that evening of November 19th. Holding my perfect, beautiful, tiny baby boy. Watching him slowly slip away, knowing even though I am his mother there was nothing I could do for him but hold him; While at the same time I was letting him go. Pure peace. That's what I felt that night and what I must remember in the dark moments of my grief.

It might seem odd that the memory of the moment of my son's death is what helps me most in grieving over losing him but that is exactly what helps. Holding him I felt love, peace, in fact joy. Ultimately I felt the spirit. Yes I was still sad and it was still hard...very hard but I made it through it and that night has changed my life forever.

So how am I now? I miss my baby Dane. I wish I could hold him, feed him, even change those nursing mustard poop diapers. I cry more easily, I have days that are hard, but don't we all. Dane's life and death has made me feel more love that ever before. Love for Dane, love for Hayes & Kamri and for Bracken. I have also never felt so much love from family, friends and even acquaintances. I am amazed at the outpouring our little family has received, every comment online, every card, phone call, text, call, visit or prayer has helped us in our grieving of Dane's death. Little Dane's life and death has taught me of God's love. I have never struggled with or grieved as intensely over anything else in my life but the love I have felt and Christs atonement have lessened my pain considerably. So although for now I don't really have an answer for how I'm doing, I know that slowly through time I'll be able to answer "good" or "Great!" without having to think about it first.