Next to his cousin, Mila
Dane's headstone was put up. Thanks to my sister, Brooke, for sending me the pictures. I hope to get up to Cedar sometime soon to see it in real life. I think it turned out pretty good, don't you? They never told me when they were going to put it up but my Mom and Brooke have been checking up on him. So I think it was sometime between last Wednesday and Saturday. Since I'm feeling a bit dramatic, I choose to think it was on Friday the 12th. The day, if everything had gone as we planned, that we would have been having a scheduled c-section to have our baby boy.
Instead we got a headstone.
Isn't it too bad we can't plan our lives out. Every last detail.
Of course then life would be boring. It's life's ups that keep us going and life's downs that keep us pressing on.
Two weeks after Dane passed away I went to Relief Society, against Bracken telling me I should go home after Sacrament meeting and rest since I was still recovering, but I just wanted to go and he knew he couldn't stop me. I'm glad I did because we sang Lead, Kindly Light as the opening song. I have never really listened to the words of the song but I couldn't help but notice they were perfect for me, right then.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
The first sentence just seemed to be my life the two weeks before, 'Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom..' There are still days that I still just feel gloomy but when I think about all Heavenly Father has blessed me with and the experience of holding Dane, I do feel like there is His Light carrying me on.
Besides having lost a baby, I've also grieved over life not going as Bracken and I planned. It just seemed perfect, Hayes & Kamri were 21 months apart and I loved it. Kamri and Dane were going to be 21 months apart and now we don't even get to have him here. Why couldn't it just go like I had planned, 'I loved to choose and see my path; but now, Lead thou me on!' but I'm realizing (oh so slowly) that Heavenly Father does know what he's doing, he does love me, and I just need to sit back and realize how little I can really plan of what happens in my life. But oh how much HE cares for Me....for everyone. And even if life doesn't go how we planned it, we'll be better for it because it goes how He plans it.
The song ends 'And with the morn those angel faces smile, Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!' I've lost my baby Dane for now but I know I'll see his smile when I'm done here on earth.
Kamri starts on her bike...
but ends up running or in the stroller because it's faster!
