Next to his cousin, MilaDane's headstone was put up. Thanks to my sister, Brooke, for sending me the pictures. I hope to get up to Cedar sometime soon to see it in real life. I think it turned out pretty good, don't you? They never told me when they were going to put it up but my Mom and Brooke have been checking up on him. So I think it was sometime between last Wednesday and Saturday. Since I'm feeling a bit dramatic, I choose to think it was on Friday the 12th. The day, if everything had gone as we planned, that we would have been having a scheduled c-section to have our baby boy.
Instead we got a headstone.
Isn't it too bad we can't plan our lives out. Every last detail.
Of course then life would be boring. It's life's ups that keep us going and life's downs that keep us pressing on.
Two weeks after Dane passed away I went to Relief Society, against Bracken telling me I should go home after Sacrament meeting and rest since I was still recovering, but I just wanted to go and he knew he couldn't stop me. I'm glad I did because we sang Lead, Kindly Light as the opening song. I have never really listened to the words of the song but I couldn't help but notice they were perfect for me, right then.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
The first sentence just seemed to be my life the two weeks before, 'Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom..' There are still days that I still just feel gloomy but when I think about all Heavenly Father has blessed me with and the experience of holding Dane, I do feel like there is His Light carrying me on.
Besides having lost a baby, I've also grieved over life not going as Bracken and I planned. It just seemed perfect, Hayes & Kamri were 21 months apart and I loved it. Kamri and Dane were going to be 21 months apart and now we don't even get to have him here. Why couldn't it just go like I had planned, 'I loved to choose and see my path; but now, Lead thou me on!' but I'm realizing (oh so slowly) that Heavenly Father does know what he's doing, he does love me, and I just need to sit back and realize how little I can really plan of what happens in my life. But oh how much HE cares for Me....for everyone. And even if life doesn't go how we planned it, we'll be better for it because it goes how He plans it.
The song ends 'And with the morn those angel faces smile, Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!' I've lost my baby Dane for now but I know I'll see his smile when I'm done here on earth.
7 comments:
Skye, I love your testimony! It was soon after you lost little Dane that we lost a little 6 year old in our ward and we sang that song as well in Sacrament meeting after the bishop was giving thanks to the ward for all they had done for that family. It was emotional and hard to get through the song, but SO amazing! I love you Skye! I look forward to our conversations over the phone!
I hope you don't mind me following your blog...I found you through Carol Davis and then met you at Marissa's Christmas party.
Dane's headstone is beautiful. What an irony to have the placement of a headstone to look forward to rather than the arrival of your newest family member. Zoey's was put in right around her due date as well and it was such a bittersweet thing.
Skye,
I have no words, nor knowledge, that would lend itself to help the joy shine through the grief. Everyone morns in their own time line and in their own fashion.
The incredible thing is Jesus does have the words and knowledge to help you find that joy, no matter how murky your surroundings may feel. I think it must be extremely hard to grieve and morn, two very necessary things, and still have faith and hope.To me, you are doing it wonderfully.
Thank you for continuing to share you testimony with me.
Skye, you're strength & testimony is an inspiration to me. It does seem funny how we 'think' we're planning out our lives when really Heavenly Father has it all figured out and just hopes we choose His path. I know that He loves you too and that you are one of his choicest daughters!
Dane's headstone is perfect!
Wow. That is a powerful post! I, too, have wished my life had gone according to MY plan instead of the way it did turn out but as you said that is life! Keeps us on our toes all the time. Miss seeing ya around Cedar! ;)
I love that song too. It is so nice to get those little tender mercies from our Heavenly Father. Dane's Head stone is perfect. It looks so cute next to his cousins stone. I love you and pray for you and your family often.
What a beautiful headstone. I love reading your feelings-you express yourself so well. I, too, am so grateful for hymns and words that truly speak to me...and as you've seen @ church, I'm not able to articulate my thoughts as well in those moments.
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