Beauty & Worth

This topic has been on my mind a lot the last few months.  Maybe I'm going through a quarter-life crisis realizing that my 25-year-old body that has carried and delivered four children is just never going to look like it once did as a 17-year-old body that worked out 2 1/2 hours a day.  Maybe it is because I now reside in a city that teaches blatantly and subtly that beauty is only obtained when you are object of desire and able to bare all your skin to the world. I am mature enough to realize I can't compete with those billboards that are of women who workout hours per day, are make-uped and photoshopped into something they're not, but I cannot deny that I am not affected by them or any of the images I see at the grocery store, on TV, and the Internet that are teaching the world that a woman's worth is based on her appearance. I have struggled lately with anger over a world that has slowly but surely taught the world that women are worth only their looks and are a commodity for anyone to peruse at will. I've felt sadness over women who feel that their sexual liberation is to have it all out on the table in front of men who don't care for them at all.

For the past few months I have felt so much anger when I would see a billboard or hear a radio commercial that is pushing this garbage.  I'm not one to anger easily;  frustrated or annoyed, yes, but I can only think of a couple of times I have felt truly angry. Bracken and I have had a lot of discussions about women, men and relationships and it has really helped me.  I have come to realize there is nothing I can do to change the world's view as a whole, but I can be an example to my children. I want my daughters to realize that worth is much more than outward beauty and I want my sons to know that women should be respected and not be seen as a sexual plaything. I want my children to know that men and women are equals, but equality does not mean being the same, and that we can celebrate our differences while respecting each other for who we are. My marriage has taught me that.  We are not perfect, but I feel like Bracken and I complete and complement each other. His strengths help pull me through my weaknesses and my strengths help him through his weaknesses. We may not be able to change the world's views, but we can be an example of good to our children and raise them with an absolute moral conviction, with a knowledge of their self worth. That is much stronger than being able to convince a complete stranger that their behavior is hurting them or get a company to change their billboard because I find it offensive.

I have thought and prayed about how to overcome my feelings of anger and wished I could just forget about it and go back to ignoring what the media is pushing in my face everyday. My prayer was answered in two small ways.  First,  at a Relief Society activity they showed this clip:



I have so many examples of deep beauty in my life. My mom, my mother-in-law, all my sisters-in-law and my grandmas to name a few.  But I really want to focus on my two Grandmothers. Thinking about my Grandmothers made me realize how fleeting superficial beauty is and how powerful deep beauty can be.  My Grandma Dorothy was a shining example to me of a positive attitude. I never saw her down or say a negative thing about anyone or anything. Even when I went to see her as she was dying she seemed so positive and full of light. My Grandma Anne is another great example. I know I can't speak for all her grandchildren but I would bet that Every. Single. One. of them KNOWS that she loves them unconditionally and cares about them individually.  She has, if I counted right, 38 grandchildren (and I don't even want to count how many great-grandchildren); how powerful that so many know her unconditional love.  That is something that no plastic surgery, no botox, or no amount of workout sessions could ever replicate. She also raised six boys into successful adults, is an amazing writer, and is famous in the family for her "Skye Rice" (but of course that part might only matter to me).  Both of my grandmothers are an example of strength and true beauty to me.

Another answer to my prayer was a talk, also by Sister Dalton, called 'Love Her Mother'. (the whole talk is great and you can read it here).  It is written to men about "how to raise a happy well-adjusted daughter in today's toxic world." This quote stuck out to me:

"By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her."

What does this have to do with beauty and worth? I was taught a lot about my own worth by the examples of my parents.  The daily interactions my parents had in front of me helped me to realize how healthy relationships should be and that I didn't need to take crap from any boy.  My dad helped me realize my worth.  In addition to telling me I was beautiful, he helped me discover my love of working with wood when we built a bookcase together, he was my biggest cheerleader at my water polo games (much to my embarrassment at times), and he pushed me to become better in my studies by showing me his papers from high school and the slow progress he had made as a writer. My worth was not tied to my looks, or even to my accomplishments, but rather I had infinite worth to him because I was his daughter.  My mother was also a huge influence, doing my hair for every school dance, pushing me to finish my college degree after having Hayes, working hard in my home when I couldn't, and helping me feel like a good mother regardless, to name a few. But Sister Dalton's talk stuck out to me again of the importance of having both a father and a mother in a child's life, regardless of gender.

The video and talk helped me feel at peace with all my thoughts.  I was feeling anxiety over how to raise our kids to respect those of the other sex, to respect themselves and to know of their worth, that they are children of God, regardless of what others might tell them.  Our example is the most powerful tool we can offer them and I hope our example will speak much louder to them then outside influences.  The examples of Paul & Denise, and Dane & Ruth spoke much louder for Bracken and me then the media and peer influences around us growing up, so hopefully it will hold true for our children.
I don't mean that I am never going to care about my looks;  I'm still going to go out and try to find some new make up and I'm still in search of a dress that I feel beautiful in, but this journey has also reminded me that in a couple months I probably won't like that eye shadow and in a couple years that dress will be bought and discarded, but the other things I have done with my life are what will really matter. The way I help those around me, what knowledge I choose to gain, how I raise my children, to face trials with optimism & faith, etc.  I hope for my children, Bracken, and for MYSELF that I can grow to be more deeply beautiful in time.

Marjorie Pay Hinckley said it well:

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.” 

P.S.  I didn't write this with the purpose of fishing for compliments on my looks. I wrote this as a way to gather my thoughts on the subject and want to share it for anyone who may have struggled with the same feelings. I'd love to hear your thoughts.